Philosophy and Christianity

“If man, as the existentialist conceives him, is indefinable, it is because at first he is nothing. Only afterward will he be something, and he himself will have made what he will be.”  – Sartre

Recently I’ve been enamoured with philosophy, though mostly the existential/objectivist kinds.  When I was younger, I desperately wanted to believe in the merits of Objectivism.  I wanted the world to be such a place that I could do with it what I wanted, and I would have no restrictions (minus the law, of course).  A loose definition of it: “…the proper moral purpose of one’s life is the pursuit of one’s own happiness or ‘rational self interest.’”  Objectivism felt so… freeing and tough.  I wouldn’t have to be vulnerable to the unknown, I wouldn’t have to wait for events to occur, I wouldn’t have to be unsure of myself.  Objectivism would allow me the room to grow and search for everything that I wanted to achieve without the stigma of religion or patience or virtue.  I could be all that I wanted to be, and the only person in the world who could stop me, was me.  Or so I thought.

I also wanted to be an Existenialist.  Although similar to Objectivism (search for meaning/truth/desires), it’s different in the fact that it is “…the suffering individual [who] must create meaning in an unknowable, chaotic, and seemingly empty universe.”"  In my mind, the Existenialist is the man who suffers and achieves the unachievable in times of distress and panic.  When the world seems lost and unknowable, the Existentialist takes hold of it.  I suppose the main difference between the two streams of thought is that Objectivism is a moral purpose of pursuit for one’s own happiness, and the Existentialist searches for meaning (not necessarily happiness) through the sorrow of life.

It’s been quite a few years since I’ve extrapolated on any philosophy (other than the theological philosophies required in bible college).  But through various events, I’m now reconsidering my philosophical stance.  I want to believe in the freedom that Objectivism creates; I want to believe in the achievable meaning Existentialism requires.  I want to know that I have the freedom to choose, and to accept the consequences therein.  Objectivism is selfish and heartless and cold and futile.  Objectivism strips the grace away from Christ.  Objectivism is about me, rather than Him.  Objectivism uses my concept of morality and incorporates it as ultimate truth.  But ultimate truth is not and can never be relative truth.  And that is the problem with Objectivism.

I’ve clung to Existentialism even tighter.  The concept of Existentialism kept me sane when nothing else mattered.  Because suffering was expected, I could cope with it.  Both Existentialism and Objectivism require personal responsibility, and I think that is the reason both philosophies brought me so much joy.  I was responsible for myself, my choices, my surroundings, my joys and my sorrows.

I want to combine the truths from both philosophies into my personal theological beliefs, but I’m not  sure if that’s possible.  My beliefs require Christ to be the giver of meaning and fulfillment.  As it says, He will give us the desires of our heart.  Is that all of the meaning I can find within Christianity?  Or am I still allowed to search elsewhere for a time?  That is the ultimate question, I think.  Is there room for personal growth (and meaning and desire and achievement and hope and sorrow and pain) outside of the general Christian spew.  I honestly don’t know.  I wonder sometimes if my pure desire for meaning is in itself the “desire of my heart” promised to me.  And if that’s the case, why shouldn’t I be allowed to pursue it?

I know inherently Objectivism is selfish (as Rand once said, it is the “Virtue of Selfishness”), but is it possible to be an Objectivist without being selfish.  Christianity tells us to be kind and true, to give and not to take, objectivism tells us to take what’s morally ours to take.  If we stay within the moral agenda, can Objectivism be… Christianized?

Existentialism may not be selfish, but it is certainly depressing and chaotic.  I know the world is chaotic because of the fall of man, I know we cannot expect perfection, but I wonder if Existentialism goes too far in one direction.  I wonder if it is too chaotic.  If there’s still room for Grace in the midst of the chaos.

I wish I could create a hybrid philosophy.  One that would allow me the feeling of chaos and sorrow, one that would give me the freedom to be (whatever it is I desire to be), as well as the freedom to choose, all the while letting me stay within the boundaries of my own religious conscience.

My conscience means much to me.  As it should, considering all of the things I’ve given up for it, but this is one particular issue where I feel no sway whatsoever.  And perhaps because of that, I am at a difficult road, deciding whether to follow or to flee.

Masturbation

Pardon me and the grotesque nature of this post, but it’s something that’s been on my mind as of late.  This is in part because of a lecture I attended a few months ago, and I’ve been wrestling with the implications of it.  Basically, the lecture was on the pro’s of masturbation.  Now, I’m not going down a “holier than thou” road, nor am I going to delve into personal things, but I think something has to be said.

The lecture focused on how “sex toys” at one point were considered medical equipment, and because there is no mention in the Bible of God forbidding masturbation (female or otherwise), one should consider it fine.  Afterward there was mention of the health benefits and how the only reason it’s now considered “bad” is because of the stag shops and the image such shops create.

Since I attend a Christian Bible College, I was completely blown away by this.  There was no mention of Jesus’ statement of “Be holy as I am holy”, there was nothing.  Only societal implications.  Let’s take our morality and rip it to pieces, because that’s the implication.  If (and only if) masturbation were possible without mental images, there could be a case, but I just don’t see people (especially men) being able to shut their memory off.  You remember through smells, sounds, sights, it is impossible to shut off every one of those functions, and in using any of those functions you are objectifying your experience.

I think there are few occurrences where masturbation is okay (example: within a marriage, or when a partner has died), but I think it is incredibly unnecessary when it is done out of boredom, spite, or temptation.  My biggest concern with the lecture I attended was the fact that guilt was named unnecessary.  That if you experienced guilt, you shouldn’t, because that guilt has been imposed on you because of society and other religious upbringings.  So, to be clear, when Christians are told the presence of guilt is the holy spirit convicting us, in reality we should ignore such guilt because we’re being brainwashed into thinking we’re doing something wrong?  So the Holy Spirit lies? Really?

I’m convinced the acceptance of masturbation within Christian society is popular only because it is the lesser of two evils, i.e., sexual intercourse.  That is not reason enough to betray what Christianity stands for, and I refuse to let myself off the hook because it’s not worth the fight or the discussion.

I’ve tried to discuss this with fellow students, but nobody cares. The mentality is, “it’s your own body, and there’s no strict scriptural evidence for it.”  There’s no evidence for it? What about the laws to be pure? What about the command to be holy? What about the statements from Paul insisting there’s a fight between the flesh and the soul, and we do things we ought not to do? What about the constant struggle inside each and every one of us?

I don’t know if holiness is possible, but it’s worth a damn try.  It’s certainly worth more than apathy.

Immutability of God

I’m posting this mostly for my own reasons, but feel free to read it.  I’m handing it in this Tuesday.  Comments/critiques always appreciated.

Within the arena of Christian thought, there are few non-negotiable doctrines.  One non-negotiable in particular is that of the necessity for – and the existence of – the attributes of God.  The divine attributes cannot be negotiated or disputed, for if such a thing were to occur, God would cease to be God.  Without divine attributes, such a God would be finite and unworthy of worship.  Consequently, while many attributes do exist, the immutability of God is perhaps one of the most important, for only a God who is unchanging in His entire being can truly be infinite.  Thus, for a God to be worthy of worship He must also be an unchanging God.

Nevertheless, it is important to first answer the question of who God is, for “a god begotten in the shadows of a fallen heart will quite naturally be no true likeness of the true God.”[1] In other words, the nature of God must be seen and evaluated through the presence of His divine attributes and not through the ideals of a sinful human heart.  Consequently, because the Christian is unable to fully know God through his own efforts, he must resort to believing in the rightness of the attributes and nature of God, for they are the basis to what the Christian believes.  If God’s attributes were unworthy or unholy, or if His nature were no longer upright, He would cease to be God, and such a god would be unworthy of worship.

As such, the evaluation of the attributes of God is vital for a sufficient understanding of Him.  However, due to the extreme broadness of such an ideal, only attributes that in some way affect the immutability of God will be thoroughly discussed.  Even so, at the very least it is important to clarify most of the agreed upon attributes of God before venturing into the necessity of immutability.  As such, the nature of God is usually defined by the following attributes: incomprehensibility, self-sufficiency, self-existence, eternality, infinitude, immutability, omniscience, omnipotence, omnipresence, goodness, justice, mercy, grace, love, holiness, and sovereignty.  Certainly, attributes may be further defined as being either communicable or non-communicable, meaning, humanity as a whole may be able to incorporate some aspects of mercy, justice, and love, but no human can be fully self-sufficient or omnipotent.  In other words: God shares with His creation aspects of Himself through His communicable traits; yet, God does not share some aspects of Himself with His creation because of the fact that those traits are simply non-communicable.

Regarding the attribute of immutability, the basic definition is that “God is One who does not change.”[2] God is unchanging and there is no transition from one area to another.  Even the New Testament states “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and for ever” (Hebrews 13:8).  The obvious implication being, whichever divine Person is present, the nature of God remains as One who does not change.  Even so, one must not forget “I am the Lord, I change not” (Malachi 3:6).  In addition other passages indicate such immutability: Exodus 3:14; Numbers 23:19; 1 Samuel 15:29; Psalm 102:26-28; Isaiah 41:4; 48:12; Romans 1:23; Hebrews 1:11-12; Hebrews 6:17-18; and James 1:17.[3] [4] This concept of changelessness can be stated quite delicately: “All things else are tottering; God sees all other things in continual motion under His feet, like water passing away and no more seen; while He remains fixed and immovable; His wisdom and power, His knowledge and will, are always the same.” [5]

It should be stated that both immutability and eternality must be linked together, for one attribute cannot exist without the other, as “true eternity is true immutability; whence eternity is defined the possession of an immutable life.” [6] Even so, a differentiation must be made: immutability refers to the essence of a thing, whereas eternity refers to the duration of a being in the state of immutability. [7] In other words, eternity is the measure of the state of immutability; one cannot be changeless without also being eternal.

Regarding the concept of change, Stephen Charnock defines change as such: “A thing is said to be changed, when it is otherwise now in regard of nature, state, will, or any quality than it was before; when either something is added to it, or taken from it; when it either loses or acquires.” [8] Consequently, this definition must be applied to the very nature of God.  For God “wants nothing; He loses nothing; but doth uniformly exist by Himself, without any new nature, new thoughts, new will, new purpose, or new place.” [9] In essence, every attribute of God flows out of the fact that He is unchanging, for He neither requires nor loses anything within His nature.

Charnock defines three aspects of immutability.  Firstly, that the immutability of God is a perfection.[10] Certainly, immutability in and of itself is not perfection, for even evil angels are immutable in their hatred against goodness.  Yet, since God is “infinite in essence, infinitely good, wise, holy; so it is a perfection necessary to His nature, that He should be immutably all this, all excellency, goodness, wisdom, immutably all that He is; without this He would be an imperfect Being.”[11]

Secondly, immutability belongs to all of the attributes of God.[12] [13] Consequently, in order for God to be all knowing, all-powerful, and outside of time and space, it is imperative for Him to be unchanging in His knowledge, unchanging in His power, and unchanging in His state of eternality.  Similarly, “mercy and justice have their distinct objects and distinct acts; mercy is conversant about a penitent, justice conversant about an obstinate sinner.  […]  The wisdom of God is not His power, nor His power His holiness, but immutability is the centre wherein they all unite.” [14] If God’s wisdom had the potential to change, this evolvement would inevitably create an opportunity for obscured wisdom.  Likewise, if God were given the opportunity to grow more powerful, He must also be given the opportunity to shrink in His power.  Yet this is obviously not the case, as “all that we consider in God is unchangeable; for his essence and his properties are the same, and, therefore, what is necessarily belonging to the essence of God, belongs also to every perfection of the nature of God; none of them can receive any addition or diminution.”[15] In other words, for God to be infinite in all of His attributes, the very nature of God must be unchanging.

Lastly, unchangeableness pertains to the nature of God.[16] Charnock states, “God is a necessary Being; He is necessarily what He is, and, therefore, is unchangeably what He is.  […]  If any perfection of His nature could be separated from Him, He would cease to be God.”[17] God is unable to be unrighteous and unholy because of the fact that His nature is pure and holy.  Similarly, God cannot change because of the fact that His very nature is unchangeable and to change would imply contingency and a sense of augmentation or diminution.  In the end, “necessity of being, and, therefore, immutability of being, belongs by nature only to God; otherwise, if there were any change in God, He would be sometimes what He was not, and would cease to be what He was, which is against the nature, and, indeed, against the natural notion of a Deity.” [18]

While it is certain that God is immutable, in what respects is He actually unchangeable?  To answer, God is unchangeable in His essence.[19] “He who hath not being from another, cannot but be always what he is: God is the first being, an independent Being; He was not produced of Himself, or of any other, but by nature always hath been, and, therefore, cannot by Himself, or by any other, be changed from what He is in His own nature.” [20] Similarly, if God’s nature was not immutable and the possibility for change did exist, He would no longer be able to state, “I Am that I Am” (Exodus 3:14) for “though He would not cease utterly to be, yet He would cease to be what He was before.” [21] Certainly, God’s essence cannot be changed, for “the Divine nature cannot be increased; for whatsoever receives anything than what it had in itself before, must necessarily receive it from another, because nothing can give to itself that which it hath not.” [22] Yet, God cannot give to Himself what He lacks, because all things are derived from Him.

In addition to being immutable in essence, God must also be immutable in His knowledge, for it has been stated that “all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do” (Hebrews 4:13).  As such, God knows all things, for “that which He knows now He always knows.”[23] A man is said to change in terms of his knowledge “when he knows that now which he did not know before, or knows that to be false now which he thought true before, or has something for the object of his understanding now, which he had not before.”[24] Obviously then, God’s knowledge must be unchanging, for “if God understood a thing at one time which He did not at another, He would be changed from ignorance to knowledge.”[25] Not to mention, a God with changing knowledge would be unfit to inflict judgment, for “a changeable mind and understanding cannot make a due and right judgment of things to be done, and things to be avoided.”[26]

In addition, God knows all things by His essence.  As such, “from the infiniteness of His essence we conclude the infiniteness of His understanding, so from the unchangeableness of His essence, we may justly conclude the unchangeableness of His knowledge.”[27] If God’s knowledge and essence were somehow different, and if His being were somehow not simple, God would be split into varying parts, yet if He were to exist in parts, He would not be an independent and simple Being and thus could not be God.  However, God is a simple Being, and as a simple Being, His essence “eminently contains all perfections in itself, so His understanding comprehends all things past, present, and future, in itself.”[28]

Consequently, God must also be outside of time, for “God hath no original; He hath no defect, because He was not made of nothing: He hath no increase, because He had no beginning.  He was before all things, and, therefore, depends upon no other thing which, by its own change, can bring any change upon him.”[29] In other words, in order to be immutable, God must also be outside of time, having no beginning and no end, an uncreated Being that can neither increase nor decrease in essence or in attribute.

God must also be changeless in regards to His will and purpose.  For, “whatsoever God hath decreed, is immutable; whatsoever God hath promised, shall be accomplished.”[30] Since God’s will is immutable, humanity was required to satisfy the Law whereby a Mediator was given to humanity, for it was the “unalterable will of God”[31] that death be the wages of sin.

Akin to that of God’s knowledge, God’s will is identical to God’s essence.  For, if God’s will varied from His essence, He would no longer be simple.  Even the “existence of anything supposeth an act of His will.”[32] Interestingly, there is no plausible reason for mutability within the will of God, as humanity desires foresight to alter both the past and the future, yet God already possesses full and complete knowledge in all things in and of Himself.  Or, to state it in better terms, “if God did change His purpose, it must be either for the better, – then the counsel of God was bad before; or for the worse, – then He was not wise and good before.”[33] Yet, because God is omniscient and omnipotent, God cannot – and will not – revise or change His will, for even the Psalms state, “The counsel of the Lord standeth forever, the thoughts of His heart to all generations” (Psalm 78:65).[34]

Consequently, one concern must be addressed.  That is, while God’s will is immutable, this immutability does not imply that whatever is willed will also be immutable, for what was once willed into existence may be willed out of existence.  For “He decreed that Christ should suffer, but He did not decree that Christ should always suffer; so He willed the Mosaical rites for a time, but He did not will that they should always continue; He willed that they should endure only for a time; and when the time came for their ceasing, God had been mutable if He had not put an end to them, because His will had fixed such a period.”[35] Consequently, though God willed the world into existence, the world was not given immutability.  While the decree that willed the world into existence is immutable, an end to the world was still predetermined.  As such, “the decree is immutable if the world perish at that time, and would not be immutable if the world did endure beyond that time that God hath fixed for the duration of it.”[36]

Certainly, there are various reasons that prove the immutability of God.  For example, the name Jehovah appears to imply the attribute of immutability.  For, “the very name Jehovah bears, according to the grammatical order, a mark of God’s unchangeableness; it never hath anything added to it, nor anything taken from it; it hath no plural number, no affixes – a custom peculiar to the eastern languages; it never changes its letters as other words do.”[37] Not to mention, Exodus 3:14, “I Am who I Am” signifies eternality, immutability, purpose, knowledge, and consistency.

Similarly, because God is perfect, He cannot change.  Change occurs in only two ways: in either greater or lesser amounts.  If God were to be less perfect, the implication is that He is not completely perfect, and thus cannot be God.  Likewise, if God were to become more perfect, the logical conclusion is that He was not perfect enough to begin with, and a God who is not always perfect cannot be God.  Additionally, because God is the most simple being, “if God could be changed by anything within Himself, all in God would not be God;  […] if one part were able to change or destroy another, that which doth change would be God, that which is changed would not be God.”[38] Obviously then, mutability is contrary to both God’s independency and His simplicity.

Consequently, God could not be eternal if He were mutable.  As such, if God “were sometimes this and sometimes that, sometimes know this and sometimes know that, sometimes purpose this and afterwards hath a new purpose; He would be partly temporary and partly eternal, not truly and universally eternal.”[39] God of course cannot be partly eternal, so He must be immutable in His purposes and in His knowledge in order to be wholly and completely eternal.

Some may question the affections assigned to God, contending a change in God must have occurred.  Such as when God repented of the good He promised (Jeremiah 18:10) and His repentance of the evil He threatened (Exodus 32:14; John 3:10).  However, repentance is not necessarily in God, for God is pure Spirit and is unable to experience passions that are a sign of weakness and impotence.[40] For “where there is a proper repentance there is a want of foresight, an ignorance of what would succeed, or a defect in the examination of the occurrences which might fall within consideration.”[41]

The answer to this difficulty lies in the fact that God must accommodate Himself to the weaknesses of humanity.  For God often describes Himself as having body parts or as waking, yet God is a spirit and He does not sleep.[42] Nor does He fly when He describes Himself as riding upon the wings of the wind .[43] Since humanity cannot “fully comprehend [God] as He is, He clothes Himself with our nature in His expressions that we may apprehend Him as we are able, and by an inspection into ourselves, learn something of the nature of God; yet those human ways of speaking […] are only designed to mark out something in God which hath a resemblance with something in us, as we cannot speak to God as gods, but as men, so we cannot understand Him speaking to us as a God, unless He condescend to speak to us like a man.”[44] As such, God’s nature must remain unchanged, for when “He institutes a change in His dealings with men, He describes His course of conduct as repenting.”[45] Similarly, if God is seen as “repenting, changing His intention, and altering His relation to sinners when they repent”, these events must be viewed as being anthropopathic in nature.[46] All perceived changes in God are due to changes in His creation; God’s purposes and promises do not change, even if His actions must differ according to the behaviour of His creation.[47] [48]

A stark contrast exists between God and humanity whereby humans must rely completely on the grace and will of God, for “by nature we tend toward nothingness, since we came from nothing.  Nothing stays our annihilation but the will and sustaining power of God.”[49] Even Acts 17:28 implies the glory and power of God, for in Him “we live, and move, and have our being.”  Yet, as fallen creatures everything within the unsaved human will is opposed to God.[50] All humans are inconsistent and undependable; “Put not your trust in princes, in the son of man, in whom is no help” (Psalm 146:3).  However, the immutability of God provides much needed comfort, for God’s will is stable, He is the same forever, and He is likened to an immovable rock (Deuteronomy 32:4).  God is eternal; He has always existed and will exist forever.[51] He is self-existent and self-sufficient, the only unique Being in existence, and “one who can suffer any slightest degree of change is neither self-existent, self-sufficient, nor eternal, and so is not God.”[52] As such, because God’s will cannot be compromised, He need not be persuaded into loving His children, for He is love.  God’s immutability entails Him “always doing the right and in adapting the treatment of His creatures to the variations in their character and conduct.”[53]

Consequently, if God were mutable, prayer would serve to be ultimately purposeless, for God’s purposes and all of His attributes would be fleeting and illogical.  Yet, because God’s will cannot be changed, what is the point of “praying to One whose will is already fixed?”[54] The most logical answer is simply: because He requires it.  Since God has willed all things that are for the good of His children, “to ask anything contrary to His will is not prayer, but rank rebellion.”[55] Likewise, so long as Christians “meet His clearly stated terms, bring our lives into accord with His revealed will, and His infinite power will become instantly operative toward us in the manner set forth through the gospel in the Scriptures of truth.”[56]

Similarly, immutability does not presuppose immobility.  For God is a working and functioning God and He “enters into relationships with changing men.”[57] God is akin to a rock in His unchanging will and purposes, yet all of His divine attributes must flow out of His immutability.  Since humanity is finite and limited in mind and body, and as paradoxical as it may first seem, it is “necessary for an unchangeable God to change in his dealings with changing men in order to remain unchangeable in his character and purposes.”[58] Or, in other words: there is no change in God’s Being, His attributes, His motives, His promises, or His purpose, rather there is only change in the relations of men to Him.[59] This concept is illustrated through the threat of judgment found in Jonah.  In particular, lack of judgment does not imply mutability; rather, God simply adapted His actions towards the ever-changing human situation.[60] In other words, “God remained the same in character, infinitely hating sin, and in His purpose to visit sin with judgment; but as Nineveh changed in its attitude toward sin, God necessarily changed in His attitude towards Nineveh.  His character remains the same; but His dealings with men change, as they change from a position that is hateful to His unchangeable hatred of sin, to one that is pleasing to His unchangeable love of righteousness.”[61]

There is an interesting development regarding the human’s response to the concept of eternity.  That is, because God is the great I Am, the One who exists outside of time, there is much difficulty in comprehending the vastness of eternity.  One theologian, Gerald Bray, asserts that only two concepts of time truly exist: that is, the past and the future, for the present cannot truly exist.  This is in part because “no matter how carefully we pinpoint the moment in time which we call ‘now’, as soon as we have uttered the word, that moment has become past.”[62] The present is simply a concept used to differentiate between time that has occurred, and time that has yet to occur.  If this premise is accepted, one may perhaps state that the present is intimately connected to the eternal, for in a sense, “the present is really the end of time – the point which time has now reached.”[63] The main point being, because of the indefinable present, “God has implanted in us the ability to know the eternal as a dimension outside the flow of time […] and God can reveal Himself to us as present without violating His nature, because the present is the vehicle by which we can apprehend the eternal.”[64] This concept is relevant to the immutability of God because God cannot be immutable unless He is also eternal.  Regarding the abilities within the human mind, perhaps this new understanding of time and eternity may bring forth a refreshing view of God that is immanent and transcendent as well as personal and almighty.

Nonetheless, for God to be God it is imperative that He possess immutability.  Likewise, in order to be immutable God must also exist outside of time and space, be completely eternal, all knowing, and all powerful.  Any “changeableness implies a corruptibility” yet God’s will and purpose cannot be corrupted, thus He must be changeless.[65] Since God’s will is changeless, His moral law must also be changeless.  The result is that humans are left completely responsible for their own behaviour.

Perhaps a final consequence of the doctrine of immutability is that while humans are undependable and fallen creatures, when Christians reside in Christ, His immutability may be used for their good.  In other words, “the nearer we come to Him, the more stability we shall have in ourselves; the further from Him, the more liable to change.”[66] Children of God must take consolation in the fact that while the world is chaotic and fallen, their Father is the great I Am and He will never thwart His plans or purposes because He is a changeless God.

References

Bancroft, Emery H. Elemental Theology. Grand Rapids Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1977.

Berkhof, L. Systematic Theology. Grand Rapids Michigan: WM. B. Eerdman’s Publishing Co., 1982.

Bray, Gerald. The Doctrine of God. Illinois: InterVarsity Press, 1993.

Chaffer, Lewis Sperry. Systematic Theology: Volume One. Wheaton Illinois: Victor Books, 1988.

Charnock, Stephen. Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God: Volume One. Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1988.

Hodge, Charles. Systematic Theology: Volume One. Grand Rapids Michigan: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing, 1982.

Lockyer, Herbert. All the Doctrines of the Bible. Grand Rapids Michigan: Zondervan Publishing, 1964.

Pink, Arthur W. The Attributes of God. Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1977.

Pinnock, Rice, Sanders, Hasker, & Basinger. The Openness of God: A Biblical Challenge to the Traditional Understanding of God. Illinois: InterVarsity Press, 1994.

Thiessen, Henry Clarence. Lectures in Systematic Theology. Grand Rapids Michigan: W.B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1983.

Tozer, A. W. The Knowledge of the Holy – The Attributes of God: Their Meaning in the Christian Life. New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers, 1961.

Williams, J. Rodman. Renewal Theology. Grand Rapids Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1988.


[1] A. W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy – The Attributes of God: Their Meaning in the Christian Life (New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers, 1961), 11.

[2] J. Rodman Williams, Renewal Theology (Grand Rapids Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1988,) 58.

[3] L. Berkhof, Systematic Theology (Grand Rapids Michigan: WM. B. Eerdman’s Publishing Co., 1982), 59.

[4] Emery H. Bancroft, Elemental Theology (Grand Rapids Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1977), 77.

[5] Stephen Charnock, Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God, Volume One (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1988), 316.

[6] Stephen Charnock, Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God, Volume One (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1988), 317.

[7] Ibid., 317.

[8] Ibid., 317.

[9] Ibid., 317.

[10] Ibid., 317.

[11] Ibid., 318.

[12] Stephen Charnock, Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God, Volume One (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1988), 318.

[13] Arthur W. Pink, The Attributes of God (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1977), 37.

[14] Stephen Charnock, Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God, Volume One (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1988), 318.

[15] Ibid., 318.

[16] Ibid., 318.

[17] Ibid., 319.

[18] Stephen Charnock, Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God, Volume One (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1988), 319.

[19] Arthur W. Pink, The Attributes of God (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1977), 37.

[20] Stephen Charnock, Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God, Volume One (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1988), 319.

[21] Ibid., 320.

[22] Ibid., 321.

[23] Stephen Charnock, Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God, Volume One (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1988), 322.

[24] Ibid., 322.

[25] Ibid., 322.

[26] Ibid., 322.

[27] Ibid., 323.

[28] Ibid., 323.

[29] Ibid., 321.

[30] Ibid., 325.

[31] Ibid., 325.

[32] Ibid., 326.

[33] Ibid., 327.

[34] Arthur W. Pink, The Attributes of God (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1977), 38.

[35] Stephen Charnock, Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God, Volume One (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1988), 327.

[36] Ibid., 328.

[37] Ibid., 330.

[38] Stephen Charnock, Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God, Volume One (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1988), 322.

[39] Ibid., 333.

[40] Ibid., 340.

[41] Ibid., 341.

[42] Arthur W. Pink, The Attributes of God (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1977), 38.

[43] Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Volume One (Grand Rapids Michigan: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing, 1982), 391.

[44] Stephen Charnock, Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God, Volume One (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1988), 341.

[45] Arthur W. Pink, The Attributes of God (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1977), 38.

[46] L. Berkhof, Systematic Theology (Grand Rapids Michigan: WM. B. Eerdman’s Publishing Co., 1982), 59.

[47] Herbert Lockyer, All the Doctrines of the Bible (Grand Rapids Michigan: Zondervan Publishing, 1964), 28.

[48] Emery H. Bancroft, Elemental Theology (Grand Rapids Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1977), 75.

[49] Arthur W. Pink, the Attributes of God (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1977), 39.

[50] Ibid., 39.

[51] Clarck Pinnock, Richard Rice, John Sanders, William Hasker, & David Basinger, The Openness of God: A Biblical Challenge to the Traditional Understanding of God (Illinois: InterVarsity Press, 1994), 13.

[52] A. W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy – The Attributes of God: Their Meaning in the Christian Life (New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers, 1961), 56.

[53] Henry Clarence Thiessen, Lectures in Systematic Theology (Grand Rapids Michigan: W.B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1983), 83.

[54] Arthur W. Pink, The Attributes of God (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1977), 40.

[55] Ibid., 40.

[56] A. W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy – The Attributes of God: Their Meaning in the Christian Life (New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers, 1961), 60.

[57] Henry Clarence Thiessen, Lectures in Systematic Theology (Grand Rapids Michigan: W.B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1983), 83.

[58] Ibid., 83

[59] L. Berkhof, Systematic Theology (Grand Rapids Michigan: WM. B. Eerdman’s Publishing Co., 1982), 59.

[60] Lewis Sperry Chaffer, Systematic Theology, Volume One (Wheaton Illinois: Victor Books, 1988,) 151.

[61] Emery H. Bancroft, Elemental Theology (Grand Rapids Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1977), 77.

[62] Gerald Bray, The Doctrine of God (Illinois: InterVarsity Press, 1993), 84.

[63] Ibid., 84.

[64] Ibid., 84.

[65] Stephen Charnock, Discourses Upon the Existence and Attributes of God, Volume One (Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Book House, 1988), 333.

[66] Ibid., 362.

Impracticality.

It’s amazing how impractical I can be, especially in regards to my blog posts.  I don’t debate, I don’t prove a point, I don’t even talk about current events, there’s no analyzing or discussion of some sort.  It’s me and my lonesome thoughts, tangled up between letters and spaces on the page.  I have no company, nor do I want any.  Funnily enough, I always write late at night.  Right now it’s already 1:30 in the morning, and I’m only now starting to write.  I try to avoid talking about my feelings, but that seems to be the only thing I’m good at.  Good of course being  a relative word.  I’m not sure anyone can really be good at something that’s so entirely subjective. But I guess that’s not the point, is it.

This is going to be a strange and incredibly difficult year.  For a few reasons: 1) I’ll be married in August. 2) I’m changing schools in September. 3) I’ve never lived away from home before. 4) I don’t have relationship experience, and I’ll be taking a step I cannot erase.  I’m petrified. I suppose if I thought hard enough I could come up with reasons as to why I’m so concerned, one reason of course being the fact that I’m a weird girl, and sometimes weird girls feel undeserving of love and affection. But that’s another story.

As a side note: A few weeks ago there was a presentation on a particular theological topic (mostly the belief in two hells and two heavens, which will be fully augmented/exist in their full potential when Jesus returns).  I don’t believe this.  I’ve never believed this. I will never believe this. Yet, everybody at my school (at least in that class) had no problems with such a strange doctrine.  I’ve experienced this half handed rejection (and / or disappointment, guilt, fear, etc) many times at this school, always having to do with particular doctrines that have nothing to do with salvation.  This fact greatly annoys me. Salvation is no longer about faith in Christ, instead it’s become a popularity contest about who’s theology is more God-breathed and subjectively respected.  My point being, strange girls who think strange thoughts  feel the wrath of being strange. It’s unfair, and it’s tear-worthy, but life is like that. Life is all about rejection and failure, because life is fallen and imperfect.

I wanted to be a psychologist so I could understand myself. And understand the people that surrounded me. Is that selfish? I don’t know. I don’t suppose I trust anyone else with my deepest thoughts, so I’ll have to analyze them myself, as subjective and unscientific as that will be. Now, I don’t know what I want to be. Maybe I’ll write a best selling novella and I’ll never have to work again.  Or maybe I’ll finish school haphazardly and hope for satisfactory results. Or maybe I’ll put my frustrations aside and teach piano to little 4 year old geniuses.

I told you my writing was impractical.

Time to sleep the impractical moments away, and then study for exams. Oh, how lovely.

Good night.

Justice.

‎”For children are innocent and love justice, while most of us are wicked and naturally prefer mercy.” – Chesterton

I’ve lived by this quote for as long as I can remember.  Justice must exist because without it, we are nothing.  Divine justice, human justice, pretend justice… Sometimes, I’m not sure if the form actually matters (although I’m sure it does.  It must.  Pretend justice and human justice will inevitably fail).

I’ve tried to analyze the reasoning behind my desire/craving/need for justice.  It isn’t always appropriate, I know that. Believe me, if I could trade my cynicism and obsessively post-modern realism for something more… uplifting, witty, energetic, or open-minded, I would. I would disregard my requirement for justice, perfection, and all of the ethical dilemmas that go along with it.  If I could be an all loving hippie, I would.  And I would never turn back.

But you know what? I can’t.

And I don’t know why.

I’ve been obsessed with the Old Testament view of judgment since I was a little girl.  I would instantly understand the old testament theology of blessing and curses.  If you’re good, God will help you.  The great Yahweh will bless you if you do what He asks of you.  And if you don’t, oh, well that’s just on your conscience.  Whatever befalls you will be your fault entirely.

But we all know (or should know), life doesn’t work quite like that anymore.  Evil exists, our fallen nature is tattered and destroyed, our hearts are crushed, our spirits shatter like old clay jars, whether or not we’ve been faithful – or unfaithful, for that matter.

Yet this fact, this simple and mind blowing fact, always escapes me. Always.

Is mercy only preferred when the one requesting such mercy deserves justice?  Is the choice for mercy always subjective?  Granted, the whole point of mercy to begin with is the fact that it exists as the aftermath of wrong having been done.  Without wrong, there is no mercy.  Without evil, there is no mercy.  Without pain, there is no mercy.  Mercy requires injustice.

Mercy requires injustice.

I hate injustice. I loathe it. I despise it.

I’m not perfect, as much as I would like to be, I will never be perfect.  Yet I request justice. In that request, my wrongs – my sins and evil actions – will come to light.  They will all be measured against something.  But will it be mercy?  In the harshness of my heart, will there be room for mercy?  Is this a false-humble complex? Is this an arrogant and holier-than-thou vortex?

An innocent child knows nothing of mercy because the child knows nothing of injustice. Otherwise, mercy must exist.  It must.

Even the Old Testament is full of mercy.  Whether or not I choose to see it.

The New Testament exists because of mercy. The Gospel is mercy.

How utterly blind I have been.

I request justice because I am not a bad girl. I am not an immoral and dirty little girl. I am not a whore.

But even Jesus loved the whores.

Even Jesus was merciful to the whores.

My mind finds this concept difficult to grasp.

I request justice because I assume I am good enough to be saved without mercy.

Yet without mercy, I am nothing.

How utterly paradoxical.  I have an incredibly small amount of self esteem in all areas of my life.  Physically, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, every facet is inferior in some form.  Yet I still have the nerve to assume mercy isn’t required. No, give me justice.  I’ve been such a good little girl any amount of justice will be fine; I’ve done nothing wrong to deserve death. I’m not a whore like everybody else. I have standards.

Is that what this is?

Have I forgotten the requirement for compassion? Have I forgotten the ultimate form of joy that is only found in complete forgiveness?

Perhaps that is my problem.

I forgive, but I never ask to be forgiven and in that lack of asking, I have forgotten joy.

The joy of life, of mercy, of hope.

And in my joyless state, I have grown cold and fragile.

While it is good for the child to be innocent and demand justice, the grown woman cannot.  I cannot.

I am no longer the child I once was, and justice cannot be my only request.

Whether or not I once was – or will become – a thief, a whore, a liar, is not the point.  Whether or not I actually deserve justice is not the point. What is the point? It’s very simple.

I am no longer a child. I am a grown woman and I am not innocent. I do not deserve mercy. Yet in my undeserved state, my sins are no more.

Justice is not what it once was. Judgment is not a wonderful thing. Judgment is not something to be sought out.

In a perfect world, judgment would not exist because there would be no need for it.

But in our fallen and twisted world, judgment must exist.  The best and only true form of judgment: Divine judgment.

While the grown woman can no longer taste the sweet flavor of justice, divine justice will remain.  She will have her mercy and her compassion, and God can have His justice.

And so it must be.

Self Worth

The problem of self worth never disappears.  We experience life, and in life we must face rejection, criticism, failure, and the list goes on unendingly as if it were pi.

Most people – I assume – tend to place self worth on actions rather than on the “person”.  Example: I am lovable because I am beautiful.  I am smart because I am on the honor roll.

How ridiculous. But how true. The opposites then being, I am an idiot because my paper was only B worthy.  No one will ever love me because I am atrociously ugly.

How devastating.

My self worth has always been linked to what I can do; not on who I am.  How troublesome. This, of course, leads to perfectionism.  Perfectionism being, 93% on an exam isn’t good enough. 89% on a major paper isn’t good enough. A semester of 3.96 isn’t good enough. Playing some of Rachmaninoff but not all of Rachmaninoff is not good enough. And as you can imagine, the list is basically endless.

How tiresome.

As a child my self worth was based entirely on who I was, as homeschooling made it impossible to be “liked and accepted” solely based on my marks.  However, now being in College there is a constant urge to prove myself, for many reasons: Being homeschooled, the fact that I have not been part of a church since I was 9 years old (what a horrible confession from a bible college student!), and now we come to the most important factor of them all. Beauty.

If I can’t be beautiful, then I will be smart. It’s a simple statement but the ramifications are tremendous.

I think people have the potential to link their self worth to three possible things: beauty, intelligence, or the person as a whole.  Obviously, the last possibility seems to be the most healthy.  I’m sure every person would rather be loved and appreciated for who they are, what they think, AND how they present themselves, rather than one above the other.

The point is: a person (such as me) should not write papers because she thinks she’s unattractive or atrociously ugly.  She should write papers because she admires the written word and finds outside meaning in it.  The difference between self worth and outside meaning? Whether or not you fail the paper doesn’t matter. You found meaning in the mere activity of writing it.

Likewise, a person shouldn’t find self worth purely based on the fact that they’re gorgeous. Because in 30 or 40 years from now, they’ll be hopeless and depressed.

Rather, find self worth in the fact that you exist and people love you because of the person that you inherently are.

Granted, that’s a really stupidly difficult thing to do.  From the age of 8 I’ve been horribly self-conscious, (short story: kids at camp enjoy playing the “how much do you weigh?” game.  I weighed a lot).  So, from that moment on my self-worth would no longer be linked to how pretty I could be, because obviously I could never be pretty enough. So, I turned to books instead. I turned towards the piano and I left the world of pretty people.

13 years later the pretty people still exist, and so do my books. I probably have 30 books per 1 actual friend. How sad.

There’s a massive theological angle for this, but I have papers to write (ironically).

So with that, let’s be worthy of our worth because of the fact that we exist.

Lack of something.

It’s amazing how often a wonderful blog idea will pop into my head at the most unfortunate time.  On the bus, at 2 am, when I’m walking in the rain, during class.  With my luck, my million dollar novel idea will probably appear out of nowhere and by the time I have writing tools available it will poof away into the distance sure to be lost forever.

As depressing as that might be, I can tell you something that I love.  Perhaps that will make up for it.

I love words.  Big words. Small words. Stupid words. Wordy-words. Whatever words. Just words. One word could change the world.  My vocabulary isn’t as big as I’d like it to be, but that’s alright. It’s a never-ending process that tends to be pushed to the side lines because I’m a lazy girl with too much homework and day dreams.  It all clogs my brain and then in that mess of uncertainty, all of my words disappear into the night.  Symbolically and literally, in most cases.

My great enemy in life is transference.  Transference, if we imagine transference as a person, would be an evil dictator, bent on destroying the world.  He would also smoke a cigar, have red eyes, and have weird black and blue anime hair.  His voice would be reminiscent of a snake, and his hands would shiver with rage.  The only defense against him would be kindness and lighthearted tip toes through the field of cautious discussion.  Or something like that.

If I could write a book on an evil dictator known as Transference, I totally would. But alas, I have papers to write, non-gluten food to eat, pianos to play, pillows to hug, and books to read.  Until then, I’ll go drink more coffee and pretend I’m normal.

Oh fun.

Perfection

I struggle with many things.  Most of the struggles are peculiar and only make sense to me.  Some may be embarrassing, others may be rudimentary, some may even be childish.  Yet, my biggest struggle involves my faith.  As a child I knew exactly what was expected of me (either by God or my own family), I knew what it was I had to accomplish, and I was content with the world.  The Prophets were mine to question and to ponder.  They spoke directly to me and I celebrated in their triumphs.  God made sense and I never once questioned Him.

Then I grew up.  And everything changed.  Everything.  I became cynical and resentful.  I was angry with myself for not understanding.  I was angry that other people could believe, and I could not.  I was angry with my parents for leaving the church, I was angry with God for taking Carragh from me, I was angry because I was alone.  And I was literally alone, for many years I stayed in my room away from the outside world.  The outside world was full of pain and heartbreak, and I had had enough of those.

I have neither the confidence nor the pride to say my faith has matured from the doubts; at the very least it has remained in spite of them.  Why that is, I do not know.  Bible College has guided, and yet, in some ways, hindered it.

Sometimes, when I cannot sleep – like tonight for instance – I talk to myself and wonder why I’ve forced myself to put God in the middle of a tug-of-war fight.  Some days He wins, some days I win – or I at least appear to win.  I wonder if I subconsciously purposely sin, so that I have an excuse to hide myself from Him.  I would use the example of Jonah, but it is a very inadequate example because Jonah knew what was expected of him.  I, on the other hand, have absolutely no idea.

Afterward, I argue with myself.  I tell myself everything must be fine, if only because of all of the blessings I’ve experienced recently (and continue to experience).  Yet on the other hand, I insist I could be better.  That I must be hiding something, or doing something wrong, because things could always be better. I could always be better.

That’s very destructive.  At a certain point, you cannot get any better.  After I reach my 4.0 GPA, I cannot get any better than that.  As hard as I might work, there is absolutely no way I can do any better than 4.0.  That fact is petrifying.  To reach the absolute pinnacle of what can be accomplished (albeit a somewhat stupid example).  It’s petrifying because part of me does not want to be good enough.  If I was good enough, I would have to stay good enough.  I could not fail, at least not majorly.  A person such as myself, someone with a complicated and somewhat erratic personality, it is almost impossible to stay the same for very long.  I’m whimsical and serious, light hearted and depressed, anxious and peaceful, angry and joyful.  Sometimes all of those emotions exist inside of me at the very same time.  To stay perfect and “good enough” is to be something that I cannot be: stable, unmoving, predictable, content.  To be good enough is to no longer seek perfection.

Apparently I am a harsh individual, both to myself and to others.  I expect too much from people.  I expect things they cannot give.  I expect certain attitudes and ethical standards that no longer mean anything.  I expect truths to stay true and vice versa.  And when those things change, or become corrupted, my confusion rises, and although my heart breaks, I rejoice silently, because once again perfection was not reached.  Once again we must start from scratch, from the very bottom, and work our way to the top, all the while hoping to attain perfection.

It is strange and unsettling.  It is both low self-esteem and overconfidence.  It is fear of the unknown and boredom of the known.

It is everything I am, and everything I am not.

Guilt

Guilt is a terrible thing.  It grips your throat and chokes you into submission.  It gnaws at your insides and you try to suppress it but you can’t.  Suppressing the guilt only causes nausea, and in that nauseous state all you can do is brace yourself for whatever may spew, whether the spew be from your eyes or an altogether different exit.

Guilt is said to be a good thing.  Supposedly, it implies a conscious state of sin.  The conscience is burdened by something and the presence of guilt only augments that sensation.  Certainly, that is true in some instances, but not for all.  At least, not for my guilt.

My guilt is self-centered and exists solely because of my own sense of self.  When I am jealous, anxious, stressed, or upset, I am drenched in guilt.  I have guilt for not being a good enough student, daughter, girlfriend (soon to be wife), sister, friend, and acquaintance.  I feel guilty for the mere fact of having said guilt.  It is a loop that I cannot escape.

As Chopin would say, I tell my piano the things I used to tell you… and that is because I don’t know how to tell you.  And because I don’t know how, I feel guilty and overwhelmed and worthless and frustrated, and all I can do is cry, because crying is something that needs no explanation.  It just is.

The tsunami of tears are about to wreak havoc.

But I guess that’s to be expected.

Anger

There are many nights where I burrow myself under blankets and pillows and I wonder if God is enough.  If going through hell will somehow make life worth living.  I wonder if the reason I feel so far from Him is because the only thing I can feel – and perhaps have only ever felt – is anger.  An anger that is so deep rooted, so twisted and burned, that breaking it, setting it free, escaping it, is not feasible.  I understand that sin is the reason there is pain and death and heartbreak, but that fact is no longer enough.

I am Doubting Thomas and I have no God to touch.  My doubt lingers.  It lingers because accusations and judgments feed it.  My anger lingers because I am stubborn and resentful and broken.

I am angry, frustrated, doubtful, stubborn, and rebellious, and yet my convictions remain.  My convictions have not left.  My God still exists… somewhere.  Somewhere deep inside of me, in this sinful, chaotic, mess of lies, God still exists.

 

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